In 2023 I conquered my fear of bad days by overcoming my fear of bad feelings. I learned to embrace discomfort, grief, sadness, hurt, resentment, and disappointment as normal reactions to everyday suffering. It’s one thing to express anger or dismay about abstract, systemic injustices like capitalist exploitation, white supremacy, or patriarchy; I’d become quite adept at sharing those feelings through writing (especially via Twitter and my previous writing project, The Introverted Comrade). But when it comes to processing my personal pain, I’m still a newbie. I grew up thinking no one had time for an unhappy mood and that my only choices were to laugh my way around the unpleasantness, or maybe pretend the pain wasn’t there when I felt it most acutely. No one likes a complainer, right? And what am I if not likable?

I remember a couple years ago my therapist asked me what I do when I’m having a tough day. “Just try to push my way through it,” I replied. “Usually get really annoyed with myself for feeling bad. And then I analyze why I’m feeling that way so I can fix it.”

“Huh,” she said in that loaded, one-syllable tone that all good therapists use. She then asked, “Don’t you ever just lie around in pajamas and mope in bed all day?”

At the time, I did not. But at the beginning of 2023 I took her advice. Brokenhearted from a grievance process that saw me quitting political organizing and ending various relationships, I spent many hours in bed asking the walls around me a simple, rhetorical, “What the fuck?” I felt betrayed, attacked, wretched. I stewed. And then when I needed a break, I’d take long walks under a big, brilliant winter sky and bask in precious daylight filtered through the crisscross trellises of barren tree branches. During that emotionally dark time, I learned to love winter light and all the beauty it illuminated. You know how a hearty soup tastes extra flavorful on a cold, rainy day? The natural splendor around me seemed to shine brighter while I was actively feeling my pain. 

Let’s face it, I’ve got a big, soppy heart and a lot of feelings. The exhausting work of ignoring or intellectualizing difficult emotions sucks up so much of my attention. I notice more beauty when I let go of the restraint and just allow myself to feel it all. 

In this spirit I present my new project, Stuff I Love. You can expect a new short essay every other Wednesday, starting January 24th. In these pieces I’ll celebrate whatever awesome thing happens to delight me at the moment. As someone who’s spent a lot of time on the internet, mulling over the myriad horrors of the world, I’m excited to express an unabashed sense of pleasure for a change. Because even in the most terrible times, there’s always stuff to love.